Monday, August 25, 2014

Making oceans out of sandboxes

Today I sat and listened to music that I haven't listened to since I was in my late teens and early 20's. I was sitting and also combing through images that I used to look at when I was the same age(es); and I can feel the pendulum swinging, again.

My conflict between commercial and art shooting is something that I am not unfamiliar with or even surprised by anymore. In fact I may someday even describe it as comforting for whatever reasons I've come to then. But it is still a shift that throws things that may have (felt) settled completely out of whack.

I perceive myself as having two very distinct shooting styles. One is, simply put, pretty and the other is what I'd consider risk taking. The strange part is that the older I've gotten and the more I've been shooting the styles are cleaving themselves rather than blending, molding, morphing and intertwining. They were more interchangeable seven years ago and that was, what I believe, the start of my pendulum.
My tastes and influences are split. Yet, that is still not a completely accurate or appropriate statement. It feels truthful though. Maybe I compartmentalize my interests too much. Maybe it's fueled by my ability to very easily second guess myself. Wondering what kind of photographer I am; always switching what kind of photographer I want to be. What kind of photographer does that make me?

The cycle is always the same: what feels like being swept up in the allure of a certain kind of polished, youthful, natural (yet idealized) minimalist beauty then shaking my head, as if to pull myself out of a haze, only to feel a small sting on my pride realizing I got sucked into something. From there I don't touch my digital or photoshop (other than for resizing) for months. The feeling is that I've been traitorous and grab my 35mm to produce twice as many bad film images as good ones.

Rinse and repeat.

I am feeling less and less bad about this though each time it happens. This much I can say for myself to project to you a kind of happy ' be continued.'

Today the pendulum has swung though and I am feeling a certain kind of nostalgic. A certain kind of motivated. A certain kind of inspired.

The lot of these were taken when I was a little nugget of a photographer. As you can see a lot of black and white and a lot of self portraits.
Tonight I will meditate on this nostalgia, specifically.