I pass by this poster every day. There is something jarring. Something familiar. Something comforting yet lonely, nostalgic, frustrating and heart breaking about that gaze. That gaze reminds me of [ ].
When I finally decided to stop and take this photograph I thought I was going to lose everything in my stomach. It was the longest I'd made contact with those eyes. I realized I will never see [ ] in person. Ever again. I'm reacting viscerally thinking about 'ever'.
• I feel like I needed a new notebook. A new thing to start a new thing. • I get nervous that I don't know everyone's name yet, but they all say, "hello Ashleigh!" • ...but then she called it a self-depreciating lie. • I may have a hangover headache but I can try to organize my space if not my life right now. • I feel like I still look like a child because I, in fact, feel like a child. And not the youthful, young at heart shit. My face -my physical face- still harbors all the insecurities, second guessings, unassurance, fear, confusion and shyness; of a child. • I love that there's love here. Positive exchanges that continue beyond the initial contact. But I can't help but feel like mentioning, "I was there, too." • Many of my monsters have not attacked me creatively but personally. • I don't think I was terrible today but when I left I felt like a fucking asshole (albeit, inspired. Like I do every time I leave the studio). • A slave to my devices: indeed. I guess I really need to go home and get my notebook so I can get down to business. • Sometimes when I'm sitting on the couch I notice my posture and try to make an effort to not look like a humanoid blob. I wonder if he suffers from insecurities as well? • I feel like my face is becoming clearer. I looked in the mirror today and I saw more of a whole instead of pieces missing or covered in fog. • There would obviously be a lot of attention paid in our direction and I don't know how traumatic that would be for me on a first outing with this man...but if he's serious about doing it, I suppose I have to. Don't I? • Can you believe that I always get the feeling of, "I don't want to do this" right before I photograph someone?! Always. Once I find and feel my flow though I am fine. I feel strong. But what a sensation for a photographer to have. • When he came into the bedroom I feigned sleepiness and acted groggy. We talked a bit, I grabbed a slice of cheese, ate it then talked more with him while laying in bed. I really wish that I could get myself to sleep at a decent hour. • What will it take to truly inspire change in me? I want to be like so many different people but I know that I can only be me. But this is no where near the [best] me I can be. • I guess I am jealous of her magnetism. Even I still find her perfect in her flaws and can't help but put her on a pedestal. Sometimes I wonder what she thinks of me. I am too nice, too agreeable; a coward? • ...but once I get started I get weak and can't help myself. • I know the problem is mine, too. I let her take over and I do become the wallflower. Completely unspectacular. • I dissect faces a lot. I dissect my face a lot because of (or maybe not because of) photography, I do this. • I am so predictable I find it scary and disgusting. • Is not writing in you daily really a detriment to my emotional well being? Could this really be so potent? • And I'm done writing about this but I don't feel purged! Maybe I wrote too nicely about everything? Maybe I should kick and scream with my words and act like a total lunatic before I feel better??! • A stream of consciousness is less poetic than I think people make it out to be. Even saying it or reading it: stream-of-consciousness. It sounds like something complicatedly intellectual when really it's all just the thoughts and fluff in our heads. Maybe I don't have enough fluff. • As an aside I wish I could be more like her ... She has a drive, a joy, a beauty that I wish I had. Sigh. • ...that made that experience culminate and transfer to the photographs? Both, most likely. I got quiet shots of someone who's not a leader. I wasn't the master of my own images. • It's funny how I am still slightly mimicking even though I am alone. I guess it's because I always treat myself like someone is watching. • There's nothing quite as motivating as a wasted day; and I've had 4. • My best responses are when I'm not actually being confronted with them directly. I like to be given time with them. Maybe just to make them sound good but there is a great element of wanting to be honest, too. • At the beginning of my [pages] I thought, "I have so many thoughts and ideas all day everyday. Fuck 3 pages, I'll be able to do 5!" Yet, here I am sipping my tea and eating a yogurt and the only thing I have to say, after saying how I can say so much, is: I really need to drop off this roll of film. • Sometimes the good chemistry is not enough to sustain a good relationship. Sometimes the chemistry isn't enough to destroy another good relationship. • I have to figure out the definitions of love I have for certain people. • I was in Europe! A thing that I have dreamed about since I was little! It didn't hit me in my gut the way I thought it would. While I was there it hardly hit me at all. It was Europe! It was Portugal!! But it's still just a place where people are just being people and living their lives. I did have a couple of moments when my head would whirl and I had to breath and realize where I was. I didn't feel a significant realization till we landed back home. • I am going to be replaced. That makes me sad, blank and angry. • I am fine with 30 but so far I have had 2 moments of paralyzing stillness when I realize my passage of time, my life and what I did not expect it to be. • Am I Ash. Yes. Am I as wishy washy?
I'm writing this at 11:44 pm thinking about how this time last year I was in Texas visiting one of my favorite people on the planet.
Tomorrow is Traci Lynn Matlock's birthday. Tomorrow has been on my mind more than I think she realizes for how sad I am that I am not able to celebrate and spend time with her on this day, this year.
We met many years ago after a random, wine encouraged message I sent over facebook. Even now we've still only seen each other in a physical plane a handful of times. Each visit and each interaction we have makes more potent the love (friendship wise and collaborative) that I have for this beautiful lady: the inside and the out.