Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Excerpts from a Journal (my most honest words here are still protective and bathed in narcissism)

• I feel like I needed a new notebook. A new thing to start a new thing.

• I get nervous that I don't know everyone's name yet, but they all say, "hello Ashleigh!"

• ...but then she called it a self-depreciating lie.

• I may have a hangover headache but I can try to organize my space if not my life right now.

• I feel like I still look like a child because I, in fact, feel like a child. And not the youthful, young at heart shit. My face -my physical face- still harbors all the insecurities, second guessings, unassurance, fear, confusion and shyness; of a child.

• I love that there's love here. Positive exchanges that continue beyond the initial contact. But I can't help but feel like mentioning, "I was there, too."

• Many of my monsters have not attacked me creatively but personally.

• I don't think I was terrible today but when I left I felt like a fucking asshole (albeit, inspired. Like I do every time I leave the studio).

• A slave to my devices: indeed. I guess I really need to go home and get my notebook so I can get down to business.

• Sometimes when I'm sitting on the couch I notice my posture and try to make an effort to not look like a humanoid blob. I wonder if he suffers from insecurities as well?

• I feel like my face is becoming clearer. I looked in the mirror today and I saw more of a whole instead of pieces missing or covered in fog.

• There would obviously be a lot of attention paid in our direction and I don't know how traumatic that would be for me on a first outing with this man...but if he's serious about doing it, I suppose I have to. Don't I?

• Can you believe that I always get the feeling of, "I don't want to do this" right before I photograph someone?! Always. Once I find and feel my flow though I am fine. I feel strong. But what a sensation for a photographer to have.

• When he came into the bedroom I feigned sleepiness and acted groggy. We talked a bit, I grabbed a slice of cheese, ate it then talked more with him while laying in bed. I really wish that I could get myself to sleep at a decent hour.

• What will it take to truly inspire change in me? I want to be like so many different people but I know that I can only be me. But this is no where near the [best] me I can be.

• I guess I am jealous of her magnetism. Even I still find her perfect in her flaws and can't help but put her on a pedestal. Sometimes I wonder what she thinks of me. I am too nice, too agreeable; a coward?

• ...but once I get started I get weak and can't help myself.

• I know the problem is mine, too. I let her take over and I do become the wallflower. Completely unspectacular.

• I dissect faces a lot. I dissect my face a lot because of (or maybe not because of) photography, I do this.

• I am so predictable I find it scary and disgusting.

• Is not writing in you daily really a detriment to my emotional well being? Could this really be so potent?

• And I'm done writing about this but I don't feel purged! Maybe I wrote too nicely about everything? Maybe I should kick and scream with my words and act like a total lunatic before I feel better??!

• A stream of consciousness is less poetic than I think people make it out to be. Even saying it or reading it: stream-of-consciousness. It sounds like something complicatedly intellectual when really it's all just the thoughts and fluff in our heads. Maybe I don't have enough fluff.

• As an aside I wish I could be more like her ... She has a drive, a joy, a beauty that I wish I had. Sigh.

• ...that made that experience culminate and transfer to the photographs? Both, most likely. I got quiet shots of someone who's not a leader. I wasn't the master of my own images.

• It's funny how I am still slightly mimicking even though I am alone. I guess it's because I always treat myself like someone is watching.

• There's nothing quite as motivating as a wasted day; and I've had 4.

• My best responses are when I'm not actually being confronted with them directly. I like to be given time with them. Maybe just to make them sound good but there is a great element of wanting to be honest, too.

• At the beginning of my [pages] I thought, "I have so many thoughts and ideas all day everyday. Fuck 3 pages, I'll be able to do 5!" Yet, here I am sipping my tea and eating a yogurt and the only thing I have to say, after saying how I can say so much, is: I really need to drop off this roll of film.

• Sometimes the good chemistry is not enough to sustain a good relationship. Sometimes the chemistry isn't enough to destroy another good relationship.

• I have to figure out the definitions of love I have for certain people.

• I was in Europe! A thing that I have dreamed about since I was little! It didn't hit me in my gut the way I thought it would. While I was there it hardly hit me at all. It was Europe! It was Portugal!! But it's still just a place where people are just being people and living their lives. I did have a couple of moments when my head would whirl and I had to breath and realize where I was. I didn't feel a significant realization till we landed back home.

• I am going to be replaced. That makes me sad, blank and angry.

• I am fine with 30 but so far I have had 2 moments of paralyzing stillness when I realize my passage of time, my life and what I did not expect it to be.

• Am I Ash. Yes.
  Am I as wishy washy?

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